Hello darkness my old friend

Sometimes I suddenly feel really sad. Nothing bad happened, not particularly about anything either, feels more like it was an old friend revisiting.

“Hello, I’m your sadness from the past, do you still remember me?”
“ Yes, I do. How good to see you again. Let’s sit down together and do some tear-dropping like the good old days.“

Weep. Weep.
The world turns a bit blurry, like watching via a rainy day window.

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I recently read a book by Rollo May called Psychology and the human dilemma which talks about how we should embrace negative emotions in our lives, like anxiety. I think this theory is worth applying to the other negative emotions as well. He talked about how we should learn to differ those feels, whether they’re constructive or Destructive ( Neurological）. Because the latter can cause us physically feeling lost control of emotion, which leads to the breakdown of personality or likely becoming apathetic. However, some constructive negative emotions can force you to seek out solutions. If we try to annihilate them. we lose the opportunity to fight, fight for the true freedom.

Here’s a quote from the book:

We must seek a new and deeper understanding of freedom. Freedom means facing and enduring anxiety, while avoiding it means automatically giving up freedom.

So I feel in a world that sells [anxiety] and at the same time sells [the antidote to anxiety], such reflections give inspiration and hope. We are anxious because anxiety is a unique part of who we are. The question is not how to avoid it, but how to face it properly, to recognize what we are really afraid of, so that this ability to connect with the world becomes the courage that helps us solve our problems.

Some of my past favorite sketches were done because I was very sad at that time. They comfort me and help me gone past those rough periods. I don’t want to forget them, because they made me who I am today and because of these experiences, the rare glimpse of happiness in life tasted sweeter and more precious.

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Blender self-learning in 100 hours

Learning 3D software back in early 2000 was not an easy task. The reason it took me a decade to put myself together again to learn it, was non-arguably down to the traumatized memory of the Maya course I took back in the Uni. Not only because I simply can’t afford the expensive software, but also I felt like, as an artist, there would be a million steps in between before I can actually express myself in 3D form, it just too much effort. The hardware was also a problem, instead of painfully waiting for one image to be rendered for two hours, I rather pick up a pen and draw something on paper straight away.

Finally, Blender refreshed my view towards 3D software. It is free and insanely powerful. I can't believe how easy to learn the basics compare with my experience before. Not only that, the wonderful open-source community allows it to be developed so fast, that every new version delivers solutions that could compete with the industry giants. Isn’t this the most socialist thing in the digital world? I wish someone can challenge the empire of Adobe just like that.

So here's my learning process during roughly a month period.

Preparation

Even completely new to Blender but thanks to the internet, I should be able to learn the basic controls, 3d modeling terms, and workflow with many free tutorials online. Here’s only one catch, although these lessons are free, one has to do their own research to find the best one for themselves. I guess this is the challenge of self-learning nowadays, when all information is accessible, how to find the ones that can actually help you is not that straight forwards.

So it’s important to understand my self-learning goals:

  1. My goal is not to become a 3d artist in the industry, it’s purely for a hobby, so it has to be fun.

  2. The tutorials need to be professional but focus on the foundations. Therefore the tutorial that suits me can be about low-poly modeling, simple animation with basic rendering skills.

  3. I need to be able to express my artistic view via a 3d environment after the course, so most likely I won’t be spending too much time learning photorealism style modeling or rendering.

Day 0 - Day 5 ( 10 hours learning time)

With these notes in mind, after some course research, I started 3 basic tutorials with Grant Abbitt, aiming to understand the interface and basic commands. The first few hours were a bit challenging, Blender's interface was still overwhelming at first, but slowly my pace increased by modeling something simple (and tasteful).

A low-poly sheep

A low-poly sheep

A low poly character

A low poly character

A low poly night scene

I quickly understood the workflow, the short keys, and the fundamentals of setting up a scene. I did all these courses back to back within a few days, every day for 3-5 hours, and took notes and kept WIP screenshots, so by the end of the day, I can go over what I just learned to enhance my memory.

I also like how Grant Abbitt ALWAYS repeats the Keyboard command in his video, as a beginner, this is really appreciated. He also gives you pro tips here and there, which comes really handy later on. By the end of the first week, I felt like I am able to make something basic myself by using all these skills I just learned. I also switched to a full keyboard, a number pad seems to be a must-have during 3d modeling.

A low poly well


Day 5- Day 10 ( 15 hours learning time)

After I felt like I’ve grasped the basics, I was eager to see if I can apply all this knowledge to practical use, like assign myself homework. So I designed a simple scene with a low poly style Japanese Ramen cart. During this project, I have to solve a lot of new problems from modeling complicated shapes to texturing and render with different engines. It took me a while but there was a huge satisfaction after seeing it slowly come to life from a grey cube.


Day 10- Day 20 ( 45 hours learning time)

During that week, I also tried something outside low poly. I did probably the most famous donut course on earth by Andrew Price aka Blender Guru, to experience realism modeling techniques. It was a lot more complicated, I liked it but I know this is not something I will focus on in the future. I still prefer a more stylized design.

The final render of the donut scene. Andrew was asking the students to make the plate and spoon themselves after the tutorial, I find most of the people simply can’t be bothered and just left the donut on the table top lol.

I also tried organic modeling based on one of my favorite games HollowKnight. It’s another step forward as it introduces more preplanning and core skills in modeling that you don’t have to consider too much in low poly.

I have to remind myself that in any form of self-learning, I need to learn efficiently. Because the software updates so frequently nowadays, the solutions provided a few months ago can become not applicable already. For example, I was searching for a solution on how to do a wrapped cape, many answers online either can no longer be applied in the current Blender version or it does not solve all my problems. In the end, I just have to be creative and it worked quite well! I felt that the modifiers are very much like the Effect tools in AE, they are so powerful but can only be limited by your knowledge or imagination.

Hollow Knight and Grub


Day 20 - Day 30 ( 30 hours learning time)

By the 3rd week, I was confident that I was capable of doing something more complicated, but I also want to consolidate the foundementals. There were only a few days I didn’t touch Blender due to other works and I already start forgetting things I just learned! We learn fast these days but also forget faster, glad I had notes.

And this time, when I took some tutorials by Grant Abbitt and Marzilla, I didn't fully follow the design rather than just followed their technique, so I get to implement with my own design but also learning the basics, like hand paint texture and liquid animation.

A cute bunny

A low poly sea shack island


afterthoughts

Before I enter the next state of Blender learning, most importantly, I'm happy that I no longer fear to take on a new skill. My 3D knowledge has been improved and confidence gain. It was more fun than I expected. Now there’s a new bridge for me to travel between design/drawing and 3D modeling. This is something I'd love to continue learning on the side, to see how far I can go. (ง •̀v•́)ง

Sometimes I felt that the elder I get the harder it for me to embrace new skills, which will only limit my world. I'm now able to understand and appreciate 3D artworks more than before. And happy to know that behind any form of art, the ideas, the effort, and the attention to detail are still the keys behind a great piece. I don't think AI can achieve this anytime soon, it can mimic the results for sure, but humans are unique in the way that we have complicated emotions and desires to create.

Pied Piper of Hamelin

Although most of the modern-day fairy tale is a mixture of old folklores, the original versions are much gloomy and darker than the Disney adaptation. Among all these fairy tales, Pied Piper of Hamelin is the one that kept me fascinated for decades.

Postcard "Gruss aus Hameln" featuring the Pied Piper of Hamelin, 1902

Postcard "Gruss aus Hameln" featuring the Pied Piper of Hamelin, 1902

For those who never heard of it, here’s a brief summary.

The story is set in 1284 in the town of Hamelin, Lower Saxony, Germany. The town was facing a rat infestation, a piper dressed in multicolored clothing appeared, promised to get rid of the rats in return for payment. The mayor of the town agreed to a sum of 1,000 guilders. The piper accepted and played his pipe to lure the rats into the Weser River, where they all drowned. However, the people of Hamelin then reneged on their promise. The furious piper stormed off, vowing revenge. Then on July 26 of that same year, while the adults were in church, the piper returned and played his pipe. In so doing, one hundred and thirty children followed him out of town and into a cave and were never seen again.

In many different versions of this tale, the location of the disappearing of those children was sometimes Koppelberg Hill or Koppelberg Mountain. In some versions, there’re a few numbers of children left behind and the reason was silty differ. Some early versions of the story didn’t even have rats or Piper in them. But what unusual about the story of Pied Piper is that the key element of those vairy versions remains the same, the exact date of the story and the precise number of missing children. It makes this tale far more likely to be based on a real historical event.

A reconstruction of the window by Hans Dobbertin

A reconstruction of the window by Hans Dobbertin

Written Record

According to my research from the internet, the earliest mention of the story seems to have been on a stained-glass window placed in the Church of Hamelin c. 1300. The window was destroyed in 1660 but based on the surviving descriptions, a modern reconstruction of the window has been created by historian Hans Dobbertin. It features the colorful figure of the Pied Piper and several figures of children dressed in white. ( img left)

This window is generally considered to have been created in memory of a tragic historical event for the town. Hamelin town records apparently start with this event. The earliest written record is from the town chronicles in an entry from 1384 which reportedly states:

"It is 100 years since our children left."

The Pied Piper's House in 1990.

The Pied Piper's House in 1990.

Also, on the stone facade of the so-called Pied Piper house in Hamelin, a half-timbered private residence dating to 1602 – similar to an even earlier one etched on the building’s window – bears explicit witness to the mystery. The inscription reads:

“A.D. 1284 – on the 26th of June – the day of St John and St Paul – 130 children – born in Hamelin – were led out of the town by a piper wearing multicoloured clothes. After passing the Calvary near the Koppenberg they disappeared forever.”

Although the stone façade dates from 1602, the building itself is much older. The façade was built for Mayor Hermann Arendes by the architects Johann Hundertossen and/or Eberhard Wilkening in the style of the Renaissance. The picture dated 1900 shows the adjacent legendary "Street without Music" with a view of buildings that no longer stand today. The stone structure pictured to the left of the Pied Piper's House is also no longer in existence.

Theories and hypothesis

There’re many theories and hypothesis behind the story, from the rat representing the black death or plague; to the children who were sold to a recruiter from the Baltic region of Eastern Europe, a practice that was not uncommon at the time; to the Pied Piper been likened to Nicholas of Cologne, who in 1212 led thousands of German children on the ill-fated Children’s Crusade; to the pagan midsummer celebrations Shaman hypothesis, due to the date of the children disappeared is also the date of pagan midsummer celebrations, some suggested it might be a cover story of a bloody massacred caused by local religion conflict between Christianity and Paganism.

As a kid, I was fascinated by the magical power of the Piper and wondered what kind of tune he played. Then when I grew up a little, I took the perspective of the missing children, I kinda envy them and thinking they’re better off from this town to some magical land, away from the adults who can’t keep a simple promise. But now, after had some understanding of how twisted our so-called real history could be, which mostly were written by the successors and some of the truth can never be found or forever lost, I started having an unsettling feeling in my stomach toward this fairy tale.

First of all, why the records of the event are so vague? If it was caused by war, plague, or natural disaster, there’s no reason to hide, plus I can’t think of any of these causes that will only affect children.

Secondly, children don't just leave home voluntarily, children can only be lead / sent away. 130 children is also not a small number, in order to let go of this many children, the parents must be given a good reason or force by an extremely strong force. From Hameln's town records, 'It is 100 years since our children left.' sounds like written by people who‘re still in deep mourning, but at the same time unable to be completely open about what exactly happened, as if the children just took off by themselves, which is very unlikely.

Among all the hypotheses, I’m very much lean toward the child emigration theory. It could be a remaining trace of a traumatized event in which the adults in the town of Hamelin, willing or not, decided to do to let go of their 130 children in a desperate situation ( could be famine, war, or plague ) in return for temporary stability. It was not rare in history that children and the old were first to be sacrificed during a famine. Or, it could be some financial exchange was provided by a third party - represented by the piper, in return for recruiting the man power they require. It can be the adults were actually believed that the children were off to a good land but only learned by the escaped few that all the children end up in slavery or dead during the war. This kind of explained in some versions, why there’re some lame children left behind, that only the healthy ones would be capable of human labor.

I believe the people of Hamelin were traumatized by this tragic event, however, the truth then forever removed from the official record by the authorities ( what the mayor represents) for a political and moral reason. People were also bound by this collective sin, they would like to moring for the kids but forbid by authority and inner guilt to speak about it. Maybe that’s why only a few vague oral records remain. The fact that the Hamelin street named Bungelosenstrasse ("street without drums") is believed to be the last place that the children were seen, ever since music or dancing is not allowed on this street can support my guess in some way. But we all know how the detail can be lost, interpreted, and tangles with other elements throughout history. Hundreds of years later, it becomes the tale of Pied Piper of Hamelin as we have known it today.

I started this drawing inspired by the Pied Piper of Hamelin last year. I was experimenting with some new illustration styles, so I studied the style of the Russian Art Nouveau illustrator, Ivan Bilibin. It has got so many details in it, I’ve been working on and off on this drawing for a few months can never finish it till last week. The children and piper were addressed as a shadowy ghost reflection in the river outside the town of Hemline, as grim as my thought on the tale of Pied Piper of Hamelin.

the Instagram dilemma

I remember back when Instagram was launched 10 years ago, people were joking about that “Instagram is the simplified version of blogs, it’s for people who can’t write.” Now looking back I find this statement both arrogant and also weirdly foresighted. The internet world has become an ever rapid visual dominated place. The blog is no longer the media that people (especially artists) choose to display their artworks, smartphone and tablets have become so powerful that all of them are claiming, they are all you need to create art.

But is it true?

I had an Instagram account back in 2010 but rarely used, I heard how it has become a very popular platform for artists to share their artworks nowadays, so over the past few weeks, I decide to try it a bit. I can say I have mixed feelings. Okay, let me be honest, I didn’t enjoy it.

The Monalisa effect

I still remember how disappointed I was when I first time saw the famous Monalisa painting in Louvre. It was so small and hung so far away from me. Now I think about it, my experience by then was almost like using Instagram today: surround the tiny, details-hard-to-see image, full of people's shout of likes and noisy comments that made me just wanna leave.

In my own experience, the best place of looking at an art piece is in a quiet gallery or museum, at least should be viewed on a large monitor. However, when we appreciated people’s artwork on a phone or tablet, any powerful impression and details one brilliant art piece could have delivered, are lost. It also requires a lot of zoom-in and swiping and panning, which only adds further distraction.

When you visit someone’s blog or website, it can almost feel more or less like walking around in a virtual gallery. No pop-up Ads, not too much comments or flashing emojis. It is the moment between just you and the artwork, you admire the brush strokes then retreat afar for pause to your imagination runs wild, sometimes you even cry or laugh or being awestruck. It is intimacy. However, the Instagram interface has way too many things going. None of them has anything to do with helping people appreciate the artwork in peace.

If you're looking this my recent work Dancing Mushrooms on a browser instead of a phone, you can notice a lot more details. You can click to enlarge it, you can see the texture on the wood stump, also the dancing mushrooms' smiling faces, the fantasy worlds become closer to us. However, the screenshots below show what it looks like on my Instagram phone page, how can people connect with something so insignificant?

And the most ironic thing is, the one most important thing of the internet, that defines the purpose of sharing, hyperlink, can not be embedded in the Instagram post description! So despite it’s a media-sharing platform, there’s no way to share my inspiration for this work with my audience. ( whether it’s a book, movie, music, etc.)


The algorithm

Since Instagram has switched from a chronologically based algorithm to a new stupid popularity-based one, now your new post will not show up on your followers’ feed when you post it, instead, unless it's “doing well” the exposure remaining small. This leads to a cunning situation that the popular post gets more popular (quality is irrelevant), the less popular one stays undiscovered.

When I start to follow more people, it’s increasingly difficult to remember the individual’s username, so I rely on my homepage feed, but I just simply don’t get to see their post anymore. And the nightmare auto-refreshing means I have to instantly save the post I like when I see it, If I don’t, the post just freaking disappear forever and never to be found when you accidentally refresh your screen!

I also realized that there’re a lot of very talented artists who have very few followers due to their low engagement on Instagram, but an account with only 5 posts somehow can receive thousands followers. How? It just doesn't make sense and make me feel sad. Meanwhile, just when people can no longer see the thing they choose to see, the ads algorithm remains the same. I am so amazed by how quickly my favourite brands find me.

The Bathing Frog drawing (above) received a lot more likes on Instagram than the Lost Star kid Drawing (below), which I favor the latter a lot more. I spent a lot more time thinking and working on the Lost Star kid Drawing, only 30min on the Frog one. But I guess because of its ambiguity and the complex emotion I try to express, it just can’t be as popular as the funny Bathing Frog.

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The community

As I mentioned before, the algorithm is almost against any artist who just starting to build their portfolio on Instagram. So very quickly people noticed this and wanna fight back. But this has pushed me in front of a weird line I don’t know if I want to cross.

On one side is the genuine art community want to help each other, on the other side is the trend towards people-pleasing. Maybe I made it sounded a bit harsh but I really don’t get why those "self-explaining" post, eg. what food I like to eat; also tagging and mention, are so popular on Instagram. When you being tagged once it feels heart warming, but when you being tagged 10 times a day it can become really overwhelming.

One positive way to look at it, I can see that’s people fighting the unfair system, in order to manually increase the exposure and help each other. But the system should not be designed like this to start with, when all your energy is devoted to so-call social, tweaking one animated sticker in the story post (and who can tell me why the images and videos become so blurry after uploaded on story?) Should we be really spending hours working on something that designed to last only 24 hours? The worst thing is, after all these hard work, I no longer in the mood to look at other people’s art.

I have to admit I did discover a lot of great artists from Instagram as well, but if they have their own website I will just save it on my browser bookmark. I also do very much appreciated all the comments and likes, I feel like I need to reply to these kind words but I just simply don’t have the time to reply to every feedback.

Productivity

Last but not least, as a user, I find it’s quite counterproductive when sharing my work on Instagram, compare with using Behance or Artstation, or just uploading drawings to my own website.

Since the smartphone ditched the physical keyboard, yet I find my typing speed reduced but misspell increased. Editing text on a phone is always a nightmare, looking for emoji to use is time-consuming. I have very small hands already and I can’t imagine how people with big fingers might struggle. Maybe doing it on a tablet is a bit easier? Because the size of the image on Instagram is restricted, in order to show more detail, I have to upload extra 2-3 zoom-in detailed images of the same drawing. But in order to that, I have to keep multiple same images in my phone gallery, Instagram just won't let you upload one image three times.

Why not try the web version I ask myself? Well, turns out the web version is even harder to use. First of all, you can only use it under developer mode in a browser. You can’t upload multiple images and the features are limited, basically, I feel the developers don’t encourage you to use the web version at all.



Should we (I) still use Instagram?

For me making art is way more important than sharing art. I will not draw just for the sake of growing followers and have more likes. But we are creatures of behaviour and we’re now live in a society that we’re extremely easy to be influenced by. I don’t believe the tools are completely neutral or innocent, nowadays social media tools are specially designed to keep us stay online as long as possible, do whatever they want us to do. You can watch the documentaries like The Social Dilemma , books like The Shallows & Amusing Ourselves to Death for more perspectives and analysis.

For sharing selfies, cat photos or just daily life snaps on Instagram is great and fun to use, but I really feel it is not the best platform for artists. It affects the way we should approach art pieces, it also drives people to create more cute and popular content instead of ones that speak for themselves. It not only wastes artists’ time trying to figure out what hashtags they need to use, what time is the best time to post but also wrongly suggests one artwork's true value with its numbers of views and likes.

And last week, Instagram changed the interface, again. Now instead of posting being the main button, watching short videos and shopping have taken over. That was the last straw for me. I think I’d like to reduce my engagement on Instagram, focus back more on my blog writing and search for a better platform.

Maybe I’ve been a bit old fashion and too cynical. But I have to remind myself, Instagram is a social media platform, not an art platform after all, it will always favour the social side instead of the art side, and social is actually what the artist needed the least in order to make good art.

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